My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
