epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
