Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
