i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
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My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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