do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
