I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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