my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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