you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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