the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
