Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
