theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
