Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
