I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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