Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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