I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
