I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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