White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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