The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize