if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
