Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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