he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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