2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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