i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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