I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think my vagina is haunted
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
