I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
