i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
