Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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