i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
