I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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