That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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