im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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