I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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