Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
