he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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