If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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