Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Be still, my beating vagina.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
