Your face is a jimmy john
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
