his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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