Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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