i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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