I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
