Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
