I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
