I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
PANTIES FOUND
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