somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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