If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I want a musical about memes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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