just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
