there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
