Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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