If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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