Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
