I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
