I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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