If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
