i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
