I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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