I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
