i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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