So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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