My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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