I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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